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Post by Dabbit on Jul 31, 2006 8:59:48 GMT -5
Dear Alex,
I love my mother to pieces BUT she does get on my nerves at times. She has been told she has Parkinson's disease (mildly) and has had several mini strokes too. However, I know she can do more for herself if she is 'made' to. She has carers come in to see her and cook for her, bath her, dress, her etc etc several times a day. I never get to see the carers who have so many people to look after they want quickness 9which is what they get: i.e a jam sandwich and cup of coffee). I just wish she would start doing a little more to make her more independent before its too late.
She seems to have lost the will since 1996 when my dad died, I try to encourage her to do what she can by simply not doing things for her (not that I can do much myself anyway).
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Post by Alex on Jul 31, 2006 9:17:11 GMT -5
Tough situation Dabbit. Was she always a dependent sort? Or are the mini strokes affecting her personality? You are doing the right thing by making her do for herself. Sometimes the more you so the more they expect. It's a vicious cycle. If she has people caring for her needs and you visit and show her you care you are doing your best. Ultimately it is up to her to make her life what she wants and to accept what life has handed her and to move on to the next day.
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Post by Dabbit on Jul 31, 2006 9:57:44 GMT -5
I think in a nutshell she misses my Dad (10 years this April just gone), and she has simply gone down hill from that. The scan showed she has had mini strokes which MIGHT have led to Parkinson's. I know she can do more if no one is there to do it, and I think that she needs to feel useful again (if that makes sense?) She has always worked and then come home and cooked and run the home etc, and now she has 'no one to do that for' I wonder if this is causing her lack of 'botherness'?
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Post by sandy on Jul 31, 2006 16:14:02 GMT -5
Hard to see your mom fail. My mom has been bedridden for 3 years and it's very hard to say why. She is a diabetic and has had mini strokes but the drs and therapists insisted that she could walk. Apparently Mom didn't and she wouldn't or couldn't work with the therapists.She laments about always being in bed but did not really try to get out. Now she can't. Did the strokes cause this? I don't know . She started changing years before the strokes. Was content to let my dad take over all the cleaning and cooking. The only thing she did was the laundry but after the strokes not even that. Sad. Please encourage your mother to do for herself. Keep he as active as possible. Suggest she takes a walk with you. Get her out. Insist. If it's a chore she can do, let her. Don't baby her.
I know what it's like to lose a husband and it's not nice. When you spend the bigger part of your life with a person and they die you lose a big part of yourself. Talk about your dad with her. It will help her. It hurts more when people shy away from talking about a loved one because it might hurt. Ten years isn't that long and she needs to talk. Don't make an angel out of him. Remember him as he was. Warts and all.
Basically your mother needs to fine an outlet of some sorts. She needs to be interested in something. Do you have a senior citizens group that she could visit? A playground nearby that you could walk to and watch the children play? A hobby she can do when she wants?Once you get her started she just might become more independent. But Dave, after you try different things and they don't work. Don't get down on yourself. You tried and the final decision is ultimately hers.
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Post by Dabbit on Aug 1, 2006 1:54:14 GMT -5
Whenever possible Sandy we do take her out, we used to take her on holiday but it just got too much and similarly coming to ours for bank holidays and special days. We do of course go visit her on these days, but it isn't the same as she doesn't have the room or facilities to cater for the family - and beside my brother wouldn't bother - he's got a new wife and her family that take preference.
It is the caters that go in that do everything for her, I assume because they have limited time and it's easier and quicker to do what she asks rather than what is best for her. I have had words with some of them and they have agreed that she could do more.
I do talk about my Dad although there really was no warts - he really was the perfect man, never losing his temper, always showing love and extremely generous (he'd give away his last penny if someone was needy).
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Post by sandy on Aug 1, 2006 8:32:44 GMT -5
Then the final decisions is ultimately hers. Ask her if this is what she wants. Maybe she hasn't thought about the consequences. I sound harsh but i'm not. We all handle life differently and this might be her way of doing that. Find out and if you don't agree let her know but be aware that you can't really change her mind unless she is willing. Good luck.
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Post by Dabbit on Aug 1, 2006 9:21:32 GMT -5
The decision is hers of course something we might forget as we try to encourage her to do things when we are with her. I will have a word with her and see how things go from there...
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Post by Alex on Aug 2, 2006 9:42:15 GMT -5
we all chose our paths in life Dave, sometimes it not a wise one. Usually they work out oneway or the other. Cliches! Don't they just irritate you?
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Post by Mark on Aug 2, 2006 14:41:09 GMT -5
Well, cliches don't bother me. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.
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Post by Alex on Aug 3, 2006 14:39:56 GMT -5
But some words can make you see red.
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Post by Alex on Aug 3, 2006 23:07:02 GMT -5
Dabbit has brought up a good subject. I know of lots of humans are worrying about their parents. Knowing what to do without feeling guilty is a hard thing. Knowing what to do and leaving your parent with their dignity and their independence is not easy. A lot of the baby boomers are trying to find answers. Every case is different but alike in that we want the best for the parent and theirselves too. They want to enjoy the grandchildren and the retirement they worked so hard for. Now they feel trapped.. And that's not good for their health and their relationship with their parents. Anyone have any advice they's like to share?
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Post by Mark on Aug 4, 2006 9:04:52 GMT -5
It's a difficult choice, but I would opt for allowing them as much independence as possible within the financial means available, whether that be assisted living, 'retirement' living, or whatever it's called.
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Post by sandy on Aug 7, 2006 17:39:27 GMT -5
The decisions you are forced to make for the elderly are so hard. My aunt is 101 and last year was put in a home. My dad had been caring for her the best he could but had admitted before he died that she was getting to the place she needed more than he could provide. But he couldn't bring himself to put her in a nursing home. Soon after he died and before we were able to figure out what to do and how to do it, the state area on aging stepped in and had her declared incompetent and took over. I had to go to court to get guardianship. I wasn't able to get financial guardianship, which turned out to be a blessing. But the financial guardian sold her house and the contents. She was never told. When she asks about her home she is told Sandy is taking care of everything. I don't dare visit her. She will ask me about her house and her bills and everything and I can not lie to her but I know the truth just might kill her. So I stay away. So far no one has visited her and told her about her home being sold. I'm glad to do what I am doing for her but I hate that it puts me in the position it does. She is so lucky that she has family that cares. She has 29 nieces and nephews that not all but some visit and ask about her. I'm sure she never thought that she would be the age she is and dependent on her family like she is. She has been her own boss since she was in her teens and it's sad to see her not being her own boss now. But such is life.
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Post by Mark on Aug 8, 2006 8:57:02 GMT -5
I know. I have an aunt turning 100 next Sunday. My grandmother lived to 104. Always decisions to be made. We'll soon have to decide something for my mother who needs someone with her almost constantly.
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